I’ll be at GDC most of this week. Until then, here’s an article I’ve been working on in my (very) spare time. I welcome new categories and better examples.
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Over on F13, they’ve been having a discussion about bad movies, spawned primarily from the (then upcoming) vampfight between Underworld: Evolution and Bloodrayne. The fight has devolved quickly, due largely in my mind to people disagreeing about what ‘bad’ is. I mean, come on, some people are trying to say that ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ and ‘the Patriot’ are the worst movies ever. How you can even say that in a multiverse where ‘Battlefield Earth’ exists boggles my mind.

Clearly what is needed are Categories of Bad, to better compartmentalize the various archetypes of bad movies that exist. Inspired by the Sports Guy’s 13 Levels of Losing, maybe this will finally allow people to have an intelligent discussion about bad film.

So here it is, my 13 Categories of Bad Film.

1. The Sledgehammer Film
Strictly speaking, not a bad film, frequently epic in scope with beautiful imagery, but its overly pretentious, as subtle as a cinder block and about 30 minutes too long. Often nakedly manipulative of your emotions. Your friends who were manipulated thusly loved this film.
Clues: The main character gazes wistfully a lot, or spends an inordinate amount of time holding flowers or running his hand through wheat. The movie is two and a half hours long, but the plot could be explained in 30 seconds. Mel Gibson is involved.

  • The Patriot
  • Kingdom of Heaven
  • Gladiator

2. The Cotton Candy Film
This film is entertaining, perhaps stupid and vapid with no substance or redeeming quality, but for the most part, you can turn off your brain and enjoy it. People who think this film is actually bad apparently thought they were seeing something Oscar-worthy, despite the fact that Jean-Claude Van Damme’s name is clearly on the movie poster.
Clues: You left the film happy but don’t remember a thing about the plot. Matt Damon is involved.

  • The Brothers Grimm
  • Underworld

3. The Saving Grace
This is a bad film, that would normally fall somewhere else on this list, but has 10 seconds of film that are so compelling you nonetheless recommend this film to everyone you talk to — with a boatload of caveats.
Clues:At one point in this film, you stand up and shout ‘YES!’, but you don’t remember the rest of the film.

  • Executive Decision
  • Deep Blue Sea
  • Ghost Ship

4. The Fumble
You went to this film and were pleasantly surprised – you really thought that this was turning out to be a good film (or at least, a Cotton Candy-level film). You’re actively enjoying yourself, and then the moment comes, that moment being the one where the film goes to shit, often in the space of 10 seconds.
Clues:You actually say out loud, “Oh, no” to a plot twist – not because the hero is in impending danger, but because you can’t believe the director/screenwriter would do something so stupid. The film changes genres mid-film.

  • The Island
  • Saw
  • The Transporter

5. The Raped License
You were worried about this film even before it came out, because you were hearing troubling things about helpful ‘changes’ made to the source material, usually to make it more modern, hip or EXTREME. Things like the director never liked the concept of Superman flying, or thought that Batman was too dark. These bad movies are more painful because you know that you and your friend with a cam-corder could make a better film with this killer license.
Clues:Your girlfriend, who hates the superhero genre with a passion, says something like, “What the fuck do you mean that Superman can’t fly?” Jon Peters is involved.

  • League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
  • Spawn

6. The Fly In The Ointment
This film is actually great, or at least a solidly fun Cotton Candy film, except one actor does such an incredibly poor job that all you can do is obsess over his performance and how it destroyed the whole experience.
Clues: You want a character just to get off the screen, even though he’s the main character. You even wish he’d die, even though you fear him acting out the death scene. Keanu Reaves is involved.

  • Johnny Mnemonic
  • Daredevil
  • Bram Stoker’s Dracula

7. Antiporn
(Category nominated by a co-worker. Really!) These are the Friday late night movies that show up on Cinemax that are tacitly porn. They are clearly put together by the same group of guys in the same seedy ranch, and all have a budget of about twelve bucks.
Clues: Despite the fact that they are technically porn, even the horniest hairy-palmed teenager feels the urge to wash his eyes out with bleach after watching the so-called ‘erotic’ scenes.

  • Lord of the G-Strings
  • Spiderbabe
  • Playmate of the Apes

8. The Train Wreck in Slow Motion
This film is so bad, it’s actually fun to watch, just to snark on it.
Clues: You spend an hour after the movie ranting about all of the logical inaccuracies. The five-year-old you are watching it with helpfully supplies things like, “You can’t outrun the cold, that’s stupid.” Jerry Bruckheimer is involved.

  • The Day After Tomorrow
  • War of the Worlds
  • Tomb Raider

9. The Critical Darling
The critics love this film. Your friends love this film. Bloggers love this film. The message boards love this film. You, on the other hand, want to go and strangle the projectionist with the movie’s film reel. You also find you no longer trust your friends after watching this film
Clues: Saturday Night Live starts mocking this film at least once a week. The principle joke is that ’stupid people talk funny’.

  • Napolean Dynamite

10. The Money Grab Sequel
A sequel, but it’s clear that nobody involved with the film had any desire to make a good film, and instead were just eager to cash in and move on to the next film.
Clues: The movie title has a number at the end of it, but the hero of the previous film chooses not to take part. Bonus points if the aforementioned hero is an atrocious actor like Keanu Reeves.

  • Speed 2
  • Lawnmower Man 2

11. The Committee Designed Film
Just watching it, you can tell that too many people had a say in the film, because it’s utterly all over the place. Endless action scenes take up all the film time. No character development, and the development that is there is inconsistent.
Clues: The film actually feels like it’s trying to be three genres at the same time.

  • Van Helsing

12. The Spaghetti Plot
An utterly incomprehensible mess. You leave the movie not entirely sure what just happened, and you’re actively angry about it.
Clues: When arguing about the film after it’s over, you can’t even agree as to what happened in the film, to the point where people disagree whether or not key players actually died.

  • Basic

13. The Hall of Fame Bad
Unspeakably, horribly, wretchedly bad. Watching it permanently sears it in your mind. Worthy of snark, but few have the will to sit through them once, much less a second time.
Clues:Just mentioning the name of this film shuts up people trying to argue that the Patriot and Deep Blue Sea are genuinely bad films.

  • Battlefield Earth
  • Wing Commander

Original comments thread is here.