So every now and then, I have a few people over to my place for gaming, drinking and various shenanigans. I try to do it every month or so, and lately, Guitar Hero’s been the big hit. The problem is, my guitar controller’s been kinda finicky lately. It occasionally thinks it’s disconnected when it’s not, and the only solution seems to be random jiggling, which while fun when involving hot women on trampolines, is somewhat distracting when one is in the process of appeasing the rock gods.

I tried to fix the controller myself. Those who know me knows that means I took apart the guitar, saw no obviously disconnected wires, and gave up. I’m a software guy. Hardware and circuitboards confuse and frighten me. But I’m okay with that. Unfortunately, Amazon.com and the Harmonix website have been sold out of replacement controllers for the last month. If I truly want to get my rawk on, I would need to find a controller in a local store.

So on Friday, I went to Fry’s in hope that they would have a replacement guitar. They’ve got stacks and stacks of the game that comes with a controller (at 70 bucks a pop), but no replacement name-brand controller without the game. What they do have are cheap knock-off controllers, called “Performance Guitar”. It’s $40 bucks, which is pricey (it’s Amazon’s list price for an official, yet out-of-stock, controller!), but hey, I’m having a party on Saturday. I need the guitar. I shell out the cash and take it home.

As an aside, I will note that enough people know about Guitar Hero now that a large guitar controller box being carried through Fry’s invites questions.

Random Guy: Hey, is that that guitar game I keep hearing about?
Me: No, it’s just a replacement controller. You’re looking for Guitar Hero, which is the best game ever.
Random Guy’s Girlfriend: Let’s get it, honey.

Utter disappointment awaits me when I get home, though. Sure, the Engrish care and handling instructions are very nearly worth the price tag alone (tragically, I did not think to save them). However, the actual guitar is unplayable. The guitar’s neck is about half as long as a normal SG controller. The strummer makes a piercing ‘click’ whenever struck, which is clearly audible no matter how loud you crank up the volume of the game. This making any vaguely rhythmic song (read: all of them) sound like the Metro is shooting across rails above my living room.

And perhaps most crucially, you cannot lift the guitar neck vertically to activate Rock Mode. In GH, once you earn enough star power, you turn the guitar neck vertically, enter rock mode, and earn double points while feeling like a rock god. Some have called this the greatest design decision ever made. However, this cheap-ass controller did not have this functionality, and instead expected you to hit the ’select’ button to activate rock mode instead. Impossible to time while, say, actually playing the game, and drastically reduces the level of ‘I am a rock god’ wish fulfillment going on. It’s like buying a ‘Doom’ controller where you can’t shoot the rocket launcher.

It did, however, result in the following conversation with the Fry’s return monkey:

Fry’s Guy: Reason for return?
Me: Insufficient ability to rock out appropriately.
Fry’s Guy: (looking at price) You know, I thought the whole point of cheap knock-off controllers was that they were, you know, cheap.

All’s well that ends well. After getting my store credit, I wandered across town to Best Buy, who had one lone SG controller left on the shelves. I snagged it, happy that my Saturday night shindig would indeed have rockitude. While waiting in line with my oversized box, I responded to another random inquiry that GH is, in fact, the best game ever.