Ethan Albright is a 12-year veteran for the Washington Redskins. He specializes in long snaps, which explains why his career is so long, and why you probably haven’t heard of him.

Ethan is also the lowest-ranked player in Madden 2007. This resulted in this hilarious (and yes, satirical) letter to Madden.Warning: not for the timid of lexicon. A tamer quote:

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hutt.

If you’ve ever played a Madden game, the whole thing is worth a read.